BRATTLEBORO — Sex with consent is sexy. Sex without consent is rape.
No means no. Most of us have heard this important slogan around navigating sex - and it's direct and to the point.
However, is that simple advice enough to give people a true understanding of consent to carry with them into every intimate encounter?
Do we have ongoing, honest conversations about dating, gender, sexuality, and intimacy within schools, at home, and with one another?
What are we doing, especially with young people, in regards to teaching and talking about healthy sexual relationships?
What do all of us, regardless of age, need to think about regarding safe, respectful, and consensual interactions with one another?
Simply answered, as a society, we are not doing enough and we need to do more. The proof is in the numbers.
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Think about the staggering statistics around sexual violence: In the U.S., 1 in 5 women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime, close to 80 percent of survivors are assaulted by someone they know, and women who are most often raped are between the ages of 16 and 24.
Added to the numbers are the everyday news stories detailing violence against women: stories including young women or girls being raped, videotapes of assaults posted to social media sites, rampant sexual assaults in the military, colleges in the spotlight for their constant mishandling of sexual violence on campus and, in general, sexual degradation and objectification of women and girls throughout mass media.
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One essential piece of ending sexual violence is the subject of consent, so let's start broadening the definition.
Consent is more than just getting a “yes.” Consent is a mutual understanding of what you are saying “yes” to. It is voluntary, not coerced or pressured.
Consent to one form of sexual activity or touch does not automatically imply consent to other forms, nor does consent once to sex with someone mean that it is an automatic yes the next time.
This all being said, consent should be seen as a journey: a continuum of yeses, a series of actions and interactions that are mutually understood and actively communicated.
Checking in needs to be a common practice. “Won't it ruin the moment, do I really need to stop and check in?” you might ask. Yes! You do!
Consent is also fun and worth talking about. Think of what you have to gain if you understand consent as a conversation and a journey.
Asking for and obtaining consent shows you have respect for both yourself and your partner. It encourages conversation around sexual health and safe sex.
Consent enhances communication wherein both people can tell each other what they find sexually satisfying, what works, what doesn't. It builds confidence with your partner and creates a space for positive, healthy sex.
Additionally, it can challenge sexism and traditional views of gender and sexuality by taking people out of socially constructed gender boxes and the unrealistic expectations that come with those. It puts them both in a place of equal footing.
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Contrast this approach to an underlying characteristic of people who commit sexual violence: a sense of entitlement to another's space and power over another. Where does this behavior come from, and why do we all need to be thinking about it?
Even if we think of ourselves as people who would never physically or emotionally harm another and even if we always get consent, we must look critically at the dominant messages we receive around navigating sex.
We must examine how these predominantly anti-consent messages impact our own dating and intimate relationships. For instance, we are saturated with media messaging that objectifies the female body, sending the message that women can be owned, that men are entitled to see the female body as a possession.
In a larger sense, these images reinforce domination of men over women, both physically and ideologically.
This example is just one of a multitude of beliefs and attitudes that make up a rape culture, a culture that reinforces nonconsensual behavior, from sexist jokes to street harassment to inappropriate touching. And rape.
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So let us all work at making consent more of a continual conversation and less of a one-liner. Our standard “no means no” is not enough.
Most of us will not intentionally physically hurt someone, but all of us have received similar sexist and anti-consent messaging from the world around us, messaging that contributes to a rape culture.
And because we share this common ground, all of us can play a part in changing this dynamic in our individual relationships and on a larger societal level.