MARLBORO — This is a question I often ask myself: “How can I make a difference in this world of ours which is so often characterized by oppositional divisive thinking, a world where people are quick to point out the faults and somehow can't see the beauty that is within each of us?”
It's time to write a new story for ourselves and for humanity - a story where we as humans bring out the best in each other rather than the worst, a new story characterized by collaboration rather than competition, one where we discover and celebrate at our collective heart how similar we are, yet how unique also.
During his presidential campaign, Barack Obama suggested we would do well to pay as much attention, if not more, to the “empathy deficit as to the budget deficit.”
Indeed, I think if we paid attention to the empathy deficit in our culture, we may find the other elements of life would come into better balance, including the budget.
So what is this thing called “empathy”?
I love the words of Dr. Carl Rogers, a noted humanistic psychologist: “When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, without judgment, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way and to go on. It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens, how confusions that seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.”
To me, this is the power of empathy: simply being present to another's experience without trying to alter it, understanding the feelings and values that underlie another person's perspective. To be understood that way is a powerful experience.
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The effect of empathy is that it creates a sense of safety, builds trust and rapport, and leads to compassionate action. We're less likely to judge, discriminate, and create “haves'' and “have-nots” in our world, because, to use the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, “We recognize ourselves in each other, [we] understand that we are our brother's keeper, that we are our sister's keeper, that we are all tied together in a single garment of destiny.”
Empathy is actually a natural, innate human capacity. So, why is there a deficit?
In my work over many years, both as a psychotherapist and counselor as well as a practitioner and educator of a process called Nonviolent Communication, I have come to realize just how much our innate qualities of the heart have become overlain by habits of thinking (and therefore how we speak and act) that are toxic and divisive.
Yet habits are learned, and we can choose to unlearn them and create new pathways, ones that are more natural.
For me, in my personal and professional life, the power of empathy has been figuring more and more strongly as a core ingredient needed in our lives, without which I don't think we will be able to navigate our way through the changes ahead of us to a new stage for humanity.
Did you know that there are more neural pathways going from the heart to the brain than vice versa, and that the heart is the body's most powerful electromagnetic field generator. The heart has 5,000 times more magnetic power, and over 60 times more electrical power than the brain. So in the new “story,” we're learning how to use that power.
As we know, qualities of the heart are empathy, compassion, gratitude, and appreciation, among others. It's a power that connects and restores, rather than divides and depletes.
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I had been wondering how to bring the experience of both giving and receiving empathy more into our mainstream culture.
It's not enough to just listen to a presentation on the value of empathy; one must practice the actual ingredients of empathic connection, again and again, until it becomes once again our natural mode of being with ourselves and each other.
So last fall, I saw an invitation to submit ideas for a “Make a Change in your Community” contest, and those deemed the best 15 of the first 300 submitted were to be given a small award to carry it out. I came up with the idea of an 'Empathy Cafee, and as it received an award, I reckoned the universe was giving me the thumbs up.
As an initiative, it has the following goals:
• To create a regular forum, safe and welcoming, by which people from all walks of life can listen to and learn from each other;
• To teach and spread the life skill of empathic listening; and
• To establish this type of forum as a prototype that can be readily replicated in other communities in Vermont and beyond.
I felt inspired to offer a community forum that is both educational and experiential, in a context that is fun and nourishing, one where people will go away feeling more connected to themselves and people in their community, and also with some concrete tools to continue the practice. We have come up with a “menu” of activities that build on each other.
There is no charge for participating. From the first two that we have so far held, here are a few comments from participants.
“I didn't quite know what to expect and was delightfully surprised. You went just far enough – no one, I think, felt the need to disclose anything they didn't want to”.
“This café is an incredible idea that can be taken so many places. I am so thankful to be a part. The idea of coming to Empathy Café gave me such a relaxed feeling.”
“Thank you for inviting me, I feel blessed to have had this experience. I think many areas of our community could benefit from this.”
Finally, one participant wrote:
“In reflection this morning I was noticing some of the things I received from coming to your Empathy Cafe. I'd say first and most is connection.
“Connection with people from my past - positive and stimulating.
“Connection with colleagues that I've known but hadn't previously connected with - inspiring, supportive, encouraging, validating.
“Connections with new community members - extending welcome and connection to the community, new friendship. Connections with members of the community I've known peripherally for years but never actually met.
“The power of living in Yes - simply accepting Life's Invitation.”