BRATTLEBORO — I was rushing through my day when I took a break to aimlessly scroll, and came across the piece in last week's Commons written by my friend Mindy Haskins Rogers.
I read it through once with an oh-holy-crap response. I then flattened my feet against the floor, took a deep breath, and read it again.
As a survivor of plenty, I have learned to feel into my responses in my body, even all these years later. On that day, I immediately noticed:
• Light-headedness (I was going to disassociate)
• Headache
• Nausea
• Sweating
• Shallow breathing
• A fast onset of tiredness - again, part of me was trying to disassociate
I heard echoes in my head based in:
• Fear
• Sadness
• Cynicism
• Panic
Even as I have been doing my somatic trauma work, I still experience these symptoms at a fairly high level in my body. I have learned to notice that, and have good techniques both in the moment and as part of the aftercare process.
Often, inability to notice these physical responses to current trauma or previous trauma can lead to behaviors or choices that are maladaptive - or, in other words, considered not OK in our society.
When a survivor exhibits maladaptive behaviors, it often leads society to judge only those outward-facing behaviors from the survivor, as they do not see the complete package. Therefore, the survivor could remain in a punishment loop, as their community shows less faith in the survivor's words, deeds, and actions.
It is a nasty cycle, and is incredibly harmful to all those who witness it, whether or not they understand the harm themselves.
* * *
I know all too well the ease in which familiar abusers work their way into our lives by grooming, the act of building trust and an abusive relationship with us.
Grooming is insidious. It is not cut and dry. Chances are, your groomer is well-liked, even by you.
Groomers have friends and acquaintances who will defend them or who will turn a blind eye. Remember, they like and respect your groomer, and they see the things your groomer offers society as valuable.
They see your groomer's other behaviors as maybe odd, or eccentric, or they will justify it as “just how it was then.”
Meanwhile, they see you as young. Dramatic. Hormonal. Inexperienced with emotions. Troubled.
* * *
The damage done by supporters of groomers and those complicit in the abuse has far-reaching consequences into a survivor's life.
I had people - including those who called themselves my family - deny my truth vehemently. Probably they still would to this day. I used to wish I had a hidden camera, or a witness, or that these skeptics would come in and see it.
But really, what I needed was for my word to carry weight. I needed integrity. Believability.
* * *
If you have stood by and turned a blind eye, discounted someone's horrible experiences at the hands of a friend or family member of yours, it is not too late.
It is not to late to speak out loud that you believe the survivor, to demand that your friend set the record straight. To do something.
If we continue to break people through our own abusive acts, or by defending and/or ignoring others' behaviors, or by not taking sides regarding the actions of others, we will continue to weave trauma into the fabric of our society.
And that trauma will bleed onto all of us, in some form. Just look around you.
I implore us all to start dragging more into the light - not for a witch hunt, but because the light is the best disinfectant.
And because we must be able to feel heard, loved, and supported, and to have those who have wronged us own up to their actions and begin their own long journey of repentance.
All of this must happen if we are to heal.