PUTNEY — All day, I've been vacillating between sadness and rage.
A young friend recounts too many incidents in which men have wielded power against her in her life.
I grieve for my loved ones who had their power and agency taken away from them as young girls, just as they were leaving babyhood behind and beginning to feel their power in the world.
The #MeToo groundswell made me remember when a man I didn't know, a man who must have seen my name in newspaper articles about my activism, sent an explicit, threatening letter to my home address.
All he knew about me was that I was female.
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When I say “we,” I am talking about anyone - female, male, trans, fluid - who has been on the receiving end of the catcalls, the unasked-for touching, the workplace harassment, the threats, the controlling behavior, the gaslighting, the rape. And by “perpetrator,” I mean anyone who engages and is responsible for this abuse.
Misogyny is a weapon against anyone who presents as not “male” enough no matter what gender. Homophobia and transphobia flow from it. Listen to the words used to hurt all of us: pussy, pansy, little girl (as in “cried like a”), wimp, fag. Vulnerability associated with the typically feminine is reviled, feared, and attacked.
All of this enforces the unspoken rules: that we will doubt ourselves at every turn, apologize when we speak, refrain from applying for jobs that we're not overqualified for, take responsibility for other people's actions and problems, and, most tragically, stop dreaming and striving and being our big, beautiful authentic selves.
I've come to a new realization: these acts serve to put us in our place, to make sure we don't own our power, our life force, our right to take up space in this world, boldly, un-apologetically and without fear.
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What we have is a very serious crisis of masculinity - from harassment and sexual violence to suicide bombings and mass shootings.
When little boys are granted access to the full range of emotion, when they feel the deep contentment and safety that comes from fully emotionally connecting with others, when they are allowed to be vulnerable, and compassionate, and even weak, they won't be compelled to annihilate those qualities in others.
In the meantime, we can no longer afford the exorbitant price of sexism and misogyny.
When we fully understand how sexism and the impossible gender roles we have constructed harm all of us, when we fully grasp the costs exacted on everyone, only then will we evolve.