‘I try to feel shaken to the core/but I am numb in the horror’

BRATTLEBORO — Surreal living and grieving

when no more than a few years ago I would have said I have not experienced much death in my inner family or circles

slowly, about three years ago that began to change

but when those friends died

we gathered

we saw pictures with their eyes and smiles looking back

we held each other

we sat in established places together

no one wondered where to meet

and who to hold

and now

I lose count of the deaths

one after another

and watch those left behind enter grief

again and again

one after another

locked in houses

ungrounded and ungathered

I try to feel shaken to the core

but I am numb in the horror

I don't grieve

rather it pours from me in short bursts at the wrong times

only to be shoved back down and I numb out again

I don't hold people outside of my home

There is no gathering

No stationary place to walk to, knowing you will see a friend or three to love or smile with

There is only the focus of raising babies

finding money

cleaning or not cleaning the house



bills piling up

I wish I could scream stop!

and freeze time for us all for a moment

Instead of moving through the fog of getting back to whatever

In a dissociative haze thinking

I'll grieve later

When there is time

when there is space

when I can find others to hold

until then I'll slap on a strong face

enter the world

trying not to burden people with the knowledge of pain held tightly within

like a hand gripping my throat in the trailer for a horror movie

eyes wide

mouth quiet

While swirling all around us

are the ungrieved

unheld souls of our loves

literally lost to us in droves

and I try to be





Not flat to the ground with chest heaving

curling to the side to rest in the horror of such sadness

I wish I could scream stop!

and freeze us all for a moment

so I can find you and hold you

and so we can quietly sit in grief

with the souls of our lost friends

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